Insanity

Insanity
"The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results"-either Albert Einstein, Ben Franklin, or some other smartie, or supposed smartie. This somehow turned into a poem about abuse.

Insane to expect a result
Insane to seek a better way throughout
Insane to believe
Insane not to throw in the towel
and just leave.

Things haven't changed at all
Not in bigger ways nor small
I close my eyes at night and pray
For the courage to walk out the door
and run away.

All my friends see the black eye
But all I can do it deny
Laughing it off, they don't understand
The fear that my sanity
Is on sinking sand.

He's drunk again, it's Friday night
He's going to hurt me, he said he might
The kids are all safely away
I think about calling 911
But I know I'd pay.

The door opens with a crash
The coat rack lands with a smash
I beg and plead, he won't listen
Grabs a knife
I see it glisten.

Soon it's over and now I know
I didn't realize it'd be tonight though
I grow very very weak
As my thoughts get hazy
I hear him shriek.

"Carol, baby, I'm so sorry.
I'll change for you honey
Stay awake for me
Please, please, please
I need you, we"

His sentence ends abruptly
The neighbors called the cops out of worry
There's still time to save me
If they speed
If they hurry

Time has passed by
I pass the time with a sigh
We moved
And the memories stayed
As I try to figured out with I've proved.

We all survived, the kids and I
Sometimes, though, I can't help but lie
To them, to myself
Wishing we could all
Be someone, somewhere else.

Choices

Furtive glances
Taking all but no chances
Just within reach.

Nowhere to go
Just riding where the wind blows
Letting life take me where ever it might.

No wonder I hate you so much
Since you’re always just beyond my touch
And love and hate are part of the same coin.

Choices we make along the way
Hoping that we won’t have to pay
Praying that we will have a saving grace.

Will I always be alone
Even if someone’s home
Even if I’m in a crowd?

I’m the sweet girl who’s always laughing
To whom everything adds up to nothing
Who looks for something worth having.

Outside looking in, you think I’m lucky
Outside looking in, you think I’m lovely
Outside is sometimes the better place to be.

I’ve been the center of attention
I’ve been the overlooked ghost of passion
I’ve followed my own path; this is where it’s led me.

I sit back and contemplate
How I got where I am to date
And it always comes back to choices.

How one person got me thinking this way
At the end of a tortuously long day
It makes me wanna say: f it all.

I rewound my life in my mind
To see where I fell behind
Years and years I go back in time.

Back to when I was a child
When the responsibilities weren’t piled
To a simpler time.

When I didn’t contemplate furtive glances
I took all of my chances
I miss those times.

When happiness was candy
When life was cliché but dandy
A sunny day made me happy…

A sunny day still makes me happy

My problem now is not enough time
Not even another line for this rhyme.

All Smoke and Mirrors

All smoke and mirrors, just when you think you know, just when you think you understand, you realize
It’s smoke reflected in mirrors.
Just like the reflecting of a lost soul
When you get too close
Gone like smoke.
Just a reflection in the mirror,
You’re only a phantasm.
Someone I once thought I might think I know
But I should have known
You’d be gone once the wind drove you away.
You’re the echo of the footsteps
In some half forgotten dream
You’re the mis-remembered memory
That I thought I knew so well
The shadow of a shiver
At the touch I’ve known so very well
The ghost of a memory that faded like a wisp ‘o’ wil.
Smoke and mirrors
Those games you always play.
Smoke and mirrors
As you fade away
Smoke and mirrors.
Your face has already started to leave my memory
Where it once burned into my brain
Why has it taken so very long
To make myself understand
The culmination of a lifetime
Has given me a means to an end
What I can’t see, touch, taste, or smell or hear
But was only felt
Probably never existed at all.

Dancing Naked in the Rain

I am all alone
But for the song playing over and over in my head
In the key of G
And the dismal droning on and on
Of the abandoned TV.
The rain taps on the window
Like a friend who wants me to come out and play
Wouldn't the suburbanite neighbors
all think I'm crazy
If I danced outside in the rain?
The city beats and tugs and breaks down
A simple country girl like little ol' me
Between the traffic and the bustle
And the souless eyes of the people walking by
Who you wouldn't dare ask for directions
For fear of their brand of criminal punishment
By their knife, their fists, their guns, their verbal abuse
It breaks you down, day after day after day
When all you really want to do
Is dance, naked, in the rain
Not naked in the physical sense
But to expose your inner self,
Expose the childlike innocence that's left
Sometimes expose the pain,
and sometimes the simple, unabashed humor.